I’ve been in a slump lately. As some of you know, I battle depression and anxiety – mostly stemming from the loss of my son Enzo. For the last couple of months that depression has been heavy and I have been fighting it really hard to overcome and come out in the light (maybe that is why cutting my hair and “starting” over is so important to me). Anyway. it’s been really hard for me to really function – get up, go to work, go for a run, do my homework, focus on my assignments and projects, etc. I end up doing it, but it feels almost half-assed.
Well, I’ve come clean with my aunt, uncle, and two of my best friends. I hinted to my dad that I am struggling and I think he picked up on it but it is really hard for me to flat out admit my demons (it’s the scorpio in me). At this point it’s situational depression on top of the grief. I feel as though the grief manifests through certain situations in my life and during certain times of the year. Stress is also a huge factor. I usually journal, but I haven’t been doing that also for the lack of “care” I should say. Living with depression is hard. It’s an everyday battle and sometimes it’s a battle I lose.
One thing that I tell myself is that I will never give up, it doesn’t matter how bad the depression is or how hard it is for me to function. There are days when I really want to give up. I say I am going to and I feel like this is it, it’s the end. But I never give up. It’s not in me and It’s not who my son would want me to be. Regardless of everything I feel and everything I go through, I fight very hard for Enzo. I run for Enzo, I fight for Enzo, I live for Enzo, and I succeed for Enzo. Enzo is the reason I live. I will never let him down and that is what I remind myself when I hit rock bottom.
One thing I love to do is talk, but when I’m this down the last thing I want to do is talk. My best friends try to help me by asking what they can do but I don’t know how to answer. Be there I guess? I don’t really know. Talking is hard for me when I’m in this bad place. It’s actually easier for me to write or color or scream and cry. Talking is something I do when I’m happy or need a distraction, not when I’m sad and want to be left alone.
At the end of it all, I know I will come out of it. It doesn’t mean I won’t have my down days, but I know I’ll have my fun and light days too. I try to have those days more often. My goal is to be able to enjoy the holidays again. My birthday, Christmas, New Years…I’ll start with those first. Then I can work on Mother’s day and Thanksgiving…and so forth. For now, I just like to tell myself there is and will be a silver lining in all of this. I’ll get there eventually. It just takes time.
Have you or do you know anyone who suffers from depression? What do you do to help or get out of a funk? Leave me some comments below.